Einsamkeit

Somedays you are so lonely that the tears wont stop flowing..

Somedays you are so overwhelmed by grief,

Those are the days you wish someone was with you,

To hold you while you cry

To just be quiet and be there

To tell you not to worry

To support you.

To let you finish crying

To understand the way you feel

To be patient

To care

To listen

To tell you that things will work out

To tell you that things will be alright

To tell you that better times are ahead.

You wish someone was there..

The one where I start packing...

It is that time of the year when I pack to leave the safe comforts ( yeah right! ) of home once again. After 2 weeks, I kicked laziness in the @#$% and dragged my trolley out of the loft. This was going to be the most interesting part of my packing just yet. Clothes!! But I was totally not ready for what was going to happen next. I have always complained that I did not have enough clothes. Boy, was i wrong there. Within minutes, my room was strewn around with dresses of all kinds, old and new. I got down to business and started to put them in my bag. After half an hour, my bag was full. There was still a lot on the floor. This is the moment where I start panicking. Damn these baggage restrictions. I was sure then that I would exceed the allowances and we all know what that means.(From ze parents.) The most popular dialogues (chosen after a lot of filtering) would be, 'Who asked you to shop when you already have so much?' and 'What?!? You just bought those a couple of months ago, I paid so much for it, you are spoilt, when I was young, I did not have these comforts, blah blah blah'. So boring and repetetive. I have heard this for 22 years of my life. :-S. So back to where I left, I unpacked again, sorted out what I had and decided that some of it was going to stay here at home only. And yes, I was prepared to face the lecture that would follow later.

After the clothes, I remembered the shoes. The thought brought back a few painful memories. Quite literally. The last time I wore those shoes, I had blood clots in my toenails. That's how bad they were. I had conveniently forgotten to mention to my parents that the shoes we bought last year were way too tight for me to wear again. And everytime they asked me about it, I told them they were there inside, I was preserving them for later. Later had arrived. The shoes were covered in dust. Sigh. I washed them and asked brilliant friends for ideas on what to do... I figured I had to get new ones unless I was ok with spending the other half of my life with crushed toes or something like that. So there I was, with no place to fit what I already had, and yet thinking of shopping again. Should I call it the girls bug?!?

Thee rat race that this life is- A man's thoughts

What is this life full of care, with no time to stand and stare..Such a simple line, yet so powerful in meaning. I sit down and ask myself...how long will this battle last, how long will I strive to attain what I am looking for. But then again, what is it that I am looking for? Is it money, not quite. Perhaps it is fame. Not so much. Recognition then? No.. I just want to live my life.
It is not as easy as it sounds. This life that I live, its a constant race. A race against time, a battle among peers. There is so much to see, yet I lose it all as I focus on my goal. The goal that is supposed to give me happiness.. Is it worth all this, I ask myself.
Those famous words, "Do not rest on your laurels".Ah, I diligently followed and in doing so, I forgot to savour those sweet moments of success. I may attain my unknown goal someday. But I am afraid that when the day comes, I will have forgotten how to feel happy.
The emotions lost, the soul in me dead. I realise I do not want to get anywhere. I want no goal."Just let me live my life", I want to scream! In the present, for the moment. Let me breathe and live everyday like it was my last day on this planet. Today is the day, now is the time and this is the place to relish it all

Ze T Nagar Experience

So yes, it was a hot hot Saturday like it always is in Chennai. I decided to spend the morning out on the streets of T Nagar doing some useful shopping. I boarded a bus and reached my destination at 9.30 am. The sun was just starting to get up in the sky and it was very humid. I looked around at the place in awe. I had always gone there with dad on his bike. This was my first time alone and I had to figure out the way amidst a hundred shops that looked the same to me. I walked on looking more confident than i felt. The aroma of flowers wafted in the air ( there were a lot of shops that sold garlands on my left ). I am not sure if i liked it, I was trying to focus on not losing my way. I passed GLOBUS and I felt slightly assured that I was heading in the right direction. And as expected,I reached the place I was searching for soon. I will not name the shop here, because I don't have too many nice things to say about it.

As a matter of fact, I have quite a few nasty things to say about their service! Firstly, these huge shops are supposed to have good sales people. I have only come across two kinds so far. One that constantly follow us around ( as if we were going to steal something ) and another that shouts at you for trying on too many clothes. I had a horrible experience in this shop ( probably my worst till date ). The sales women were constantly hovering around and being deliberately unhelpful. I had half a mind to yell at them, but then decided it wasn't worth the scene that it would create. For crying out loud, that is their only job. They may hate their jobs, and they may have a bad morning, but it is their job, they get paid for that. I am not saying wear a stupid smile and call everyone sir/madam. All I am asking is for them to be polite. And apparently that is asking for too much. After an hour, I gave up and walked out, wallet full and bag empty. I had not bought anything.

I was annoyed and frustrated. I needed to let that out of my system. I shifted my attention to the roadside shops. I have been encouraged to never buy anything at those places, but I was in 'what the hell' mood. I went in and to my surprise, the shopkeeper was incredibly helpful. He showed me a pile of 300 t shirts and said, 'Look through it madam, take anything that you like. It doesnt matter if its a mess when your done, take your time.' And the best part, he did not stand behind me and watch while I searched. He went about doing his work. He may have been secretly watching out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't make it obvious and hence, I was a lot more comfortable looking through the pile. After about 15 minutes, I was walking out of the shop satisfied with my buy!

You can argue with me saying that he needed to do this to get the sales up in his shop, but you know, I don't care. These big shops need to send their sales representatives to him and get them trained. They have a long way to go in terms of customer service. All said and done, my T Nagar experience wasn't nearly as disastrous as it first seemed, but I don't think I want to go back there to shop for a while. Time to explore other places....

KO - ??

It is a movie that i have been wanting to watch for a while. That in itself is quite a rarity becase it is not often that I want to watch a tamil movie. Now I am not a movie buff, I cant even write a review where I can talk about camera angles and lighting and all that. Half the time, I cant even make out the difference between the usage in the different movies. It all looks the same to me, that is how amateurish I am.

So then why do i say KO is worth a watch. (Wait! Why is this movie called KO? Yikes, have no idea). The movie is not the realistic kind if that's what you are looking for. But it is different, largely different from the run of the mill movies that Tamil directors usually make. Still, it has the unmistakable Tamil flavour to it, you get a strong whiff of it when you see the hero wheeling in the middle of the road to take pictures of thieves and then zooms ahead doing all kinds of stunts on his bike on a super busy road in the city. The concept of the movie is good, but one gets the feeling that the hero has it too easy With the henchmen, with the naxals, with the news he makes and everything.

If I had to talk about the actors, I'd say Jiva has a done a neat job. The story is what is handed over to him, so we cannot really pin the balme on him for anything on that part. He actualy plays his part with finesse. Jiva has really grown as an actor over the past few years and his performance is to be lauded. The 2 heroines, for once have a decent role to play in the movie. Both of them look good and also play their part well. So much has been hyped about the climax being something that you totally don't expect. And in a way this hype sort of makes you realise where exactly the movie is going by the time you get through half the movie. So that was like a spoiler. Otherwise, a good attempt by everyone and definitely worth watching atleast once...

Yes, she was not my best friend

We were never best friends, and probably will never be. But she was there for me when nobody else was. She cared when nobody else had time to spare a thought for me. I have acknowledged the role that many people played in my life so far, I missed out on this one. I never got a chance to thank her for all that she did for me, for being my guide, my strength. She was there to hold my back every time i fell, to lend a shoulder every time i cried. To accept me with all the faults that I was made of. Yes, she was not my best friend, she was a true friend.

We have fought a million times, I tore apart books, yelled at her, maybe even hit her and gotten hit too. She has annoyed me to no extent sometimes, I have wished for days when I would be alone without her constant presence and sweet talk. Now my wish has come true. I dont get to see that cheerful, encouraging face every morning. Now i miss it. I miss not sharing my chips. I miss fighting over that last spoon of noodles, I miss her opinion on everything. Yes, she was not my best friend, she was the sister I never had.

I may have not told her everything about my life, but that's who I am. I can't always confide in people. Sometimes, its my strength, sometimes its my weakness. Here, its more the latter. She knew that I had secrets. And it may have hurt her. But she did not show it. She had her dreams of how she wanted her relationships with friends to blossom, ours was never what she dreamt of. But she never walked off. She helped me through every difficult phase that I've seen, sometimes even without knowing the reason behind why I was upset or doing badly.Yes, she was not my best friend, she saved my soul.

Now that I sit back and think about the wonderful times that we shared, I realise what an important person she was in my life. I will never forget that calm, creative, cheerful person that she was. Whenever you read this, I hope you understand that it is dedicated to you and the wonder that you are. I miss you and I want to say thank you for all that you have done for me. I owe you big time. Mwah!

WEIRDNESS

How weird this life is,

When things that ought to have brought much joy,

have actually brought nothing but pain to her.

The tears wouldn't stop flowing,

no matter how hard she tried.

That very familiar feeling was back,

The one that would chase away all

happiness, leaving nothing but a deep pit of despair.

The one that suffocated and addled her brain.

The little happy world she built around her

crumbled slowly while she watched.

No, she didn't just watch, she tried to stop it

But like sand through her palms,

the harder she tried to hold on, the faster it slipped.

She wanted to give up, she had seen enough,

the battle just got more ferocious inside her head.

But each time, something held her back.

That little bit of faith from deep inside

told her to hang in there, that good times were due

'They may be a rarity now, but it wont be the case forever',

she told herself, again and again as she waited..

To be contd

And it is a good morning

“What on earth are you still doing with the damn newspaper” screamed dad as I sat up all groggy in bed. The grogginess, well… I think that story is worth another post in itself. So yeah…I dug out my phone from under the pillow to check the time and it was just 7 in the morning. My eyes hurt from having not slept properly in over 48 hours, but I knew that if I slept any longer, I was asking for some serious trouble. I hauled myself out of the comfort of my bed, oh wait, it wasn’t that comfortable anymore. The air conditioner had been switched off four hours earlier and it was as hot as hell! I adjusted my pillow leaving my phone under it for safe-keeping. Rule number 1: Never wake up with the cell phone in your hand, especially if your family can see you doing that.

Then, I see my brother walking into the room with the grumpy expression on his face and mumbling under his breath. Just as I was getting used to the light, my mom screamed for me from the kitchen. By now I was wide awake. I got around to brushing and then went to the most hated part of my mornings, milk. (Yuck!) I grabbed my coffee mug from the kitchen counter and moved to the balcony, away from everyone at home as they rushed about, trying to get ready on time. I settled comfortably in the easy chair (like a 60-year old as my mom liked to remind me) and opened the newspaper. And as always, I lost interest in the news that had been published after a mere fifteen minutes. I turned my attention to all the noise that was coming from outside.

It was almost 8’o clock. Most schools around this area begin at around 8.30 or 9 and I knew that there would be all the auto-wallas honking and screaming for the kids to come quickly lest they be late for school. I smiled to myself as I remembered those days when I was one of them, running around in a hurry trying to avoid being late to school. I paused to take in the scene around me. There was the usual middle-aged mother next door dutifully oiling her daughter’s hair and plaiting it. Was it my imagination or did the girl look grumpy? Well, it could be my imagination because back when I was in school, I was never happy with whatever my mother did with my hair. I would constantly complain about how my hair was standing up at the back or in front, phew… it was a bit of a struggle until 8^th grade after mother gave up on me and told me that I could do whatever I wanted with my hair. I felt like I’d won my battle with her.

Coming back to the present, I decided to focus elsewhere and noticed that there was another girl down near the compound gate probably waiting for her father to bring their car out. Meanwhile, the vegetable seller came in. The empty pavement was suddenly filled with women of different ages as they all hurried to get the best of vegetables at reasonable prices. They argued and pushed around for about fifteen minutes and when each of them had collected what they wanted, they started to move out leaving the vendor to count his collection for the day. He counted and appeared satisfied as he put the money in his tin box. He looked up at me where I stood watching and smiled. One happy man, I thought to myself as I waved to him indicating that we had the vegetables we needed for the day and would not be making any purchases.

He pushed his cart out and went to the next compound just as my mom yelled again from inside causing me to jump. I’d nearly forgotten about the milk I had brought. It was cold now, I tried to take a sip, but it tasted so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to drink anymore. I looked around to see what I could do when I saw Mouschi, the neighbor’s cat jumping into our balcony from the sunshade. J I smuggled a pan from the loft, poured my milk out into it and gave it to her. She lapped it up in no time and all I had to do was hide the pan till my parents left for work. I came back inside with the most innocent look that I could muster and that was the end of an eventful morning. One definitely worth describing. J

ALL IN THE MIND

I know it has been a while since I made any entry here, but I guess I can forgive myself by stating that working in the IT industry has barely given me any time to re arrange and make sense out of my thoughts, let alone write them down. But here I am, and the topic I have chosen for today is how much of life is built around what happens in the mind.

Let us take self belief for instance, when I begin doing something believing that I can finish it on time or successfully or whatever it may be, it makes a whole lot of difference as compared to me starting by wondering if I’ll ever be able to do justice to it. This of course applies to almost everybody on the planet. Realizing this is just the first step, there is a long way to go after this. I have learnt that confidence can be hard to build during bad times, but not impossible. Actually, with time, determination and effort, nothing is impossible.

Obviously this is one of the simplest examples. I, for one have started to believe that you are only as healthy or happy as you want to be. I have seen so many people including friends and family members suffering from various ailments. And the one thing that I have noticed in common is that when each of these sick people want to do something they enjoy, they are able to sit up and do it despite being sick whereas if it is some daily routine kind of thing that they are not particularly happy doing, then they are too sick to do it. I personally know of a person who cannot bring herself to do the daily chores at home. Her head hurts, she feels giddy, her legs and hands are swollen etc. But being the religious person she is, even walking a couple of kilometers to the temple does not hurt. Of course her argument is that God is taking care of her when she goes to visit him. I respectfully disagree. I am not an atheist, but I’m not a religious fanatic either. I firmly believe that God will not help if you were to sit in one place and just keep praying without lifting a single finger to help yourself. This of course can be another topic of discussion in itself. But coming back to the point here, what I am trying to say is that she is able to visit the temples without feeling as much pain only because she enjoys doing that and in her mind she knows that it will make her happy. If she were to employ the same thought process while doing other things as well, I am sure she will be loads better. It is easier said than done, because wallowing in self pity is something that comes naturally to us human beings. But then again, nothing is more dangerous than self pity. You lose respect for yourself and become miserable. That is precisely the moment when you cease to exist in the eyes of others.

The same is for happiness. If you choose to be happy, if you want to be happy, then there are hundreds and millions of ways to be happy. Constantly complaining about how things have gone wrong in life, and the number of obstacles you have had to face while walking to the path of success will only leave you weak and demoralized. Victory is sweeter when it comes after you have fought your battles like a true soldier. Life would be no fun if we were all to get what we wanted immediately. Every time something goes wrong, we must learn our lessons, pick ourselves off the ground and walk on with our heads held high. The past will remain with us, but we must use that to pave the way for a happier future, not as stories that we tell people to earn sympathy. We would do well to remember that today is the day and now is the time to be happy. We will never get these moments back, and every minute spent frowning or being unhappy is a loss in this short life that we lead. Atleast for me, when I go, I would like to be remembered as someone who smiled and did things the right way even when everything around her did not exactly favor her. I’ll finish by saying this, ‘The mind is hard to control. I am not saying anyone is an expert, but optimism must be the way of life’.