THINGS THAT MATTER

To you, I owe my life
You taught me right and showed me wrong
You broke my heart a countless times
Yet I could not turn my back to you.
You failed miserably in a few important things,
But you also taught me to be strong, to take failure in my stride
You showed me early that this life would not be an easy journey,
But you taught me not to give up too.
You may have been harsh at times,
And I might have been mad at you more often than not
But I love you so just the same.

To the two people I owe my life to,
I miss you terribly, I wish I did not have to grow up,
I wish you did not have to grow old,
I wish you'd show me some more love,
And I wish you were here! 

The 'friendly' Golden Retriever

Rewind --
 I must have been 7 or 8 years old. Cinika and I played in front of 'F' block on a lazy Sunday evening as we normally did. From far off, we could see a dog running towards where we were playing. We looked around hoping to see someone older who could rescue us if there was a need, but there was no one in sight. I was a tall kid back then too, but not big enough to handle a dog. As the wretched animal got closer, we saw it grow in size and it seemed to be coming faster encouraged by the fear on our faces. It took us two minutes, but soon we were screaming and running in opposite directions. Now obviously the dog took off too and unfortunately for me, it decided to let her go and take me on instead. I was absolutely petrified, I yelled as loudly as I could while I ran for my life.The tears began to flow. I don' remember how long this running and chasing happened. I must have been quite fast because it never caught up with me to bite. I vaguely remember getting saved by some random uncle on the road after what seemed like an eternity. He chased the dog away, made me sit down and waited for my crying to subside. When I was done, he told me never to run from a dog and that if I was too afraid of it when it came near me, all I had to do was 'shoo' it away. I went back home wiser, but more afraid.

Back in the Present --

CYNOPHOBIA??

I always feared dogs, but I realized that it was much worse than just fear yesterday. Singapore is not a country I love, but I have many nice things to say about this place, one of it being the absence of stray dogs on the road. Having been here for a year, I have gotten used to tame well behaved dogs being walked by their owners. Of course, I never dared to go closer than was necessary, but that is not the point. Last evening as I stepped out of my room to go out, I saw this big furry creature run out at me from the lobby. I panicked, my heart was beating so fast I thought it would burst open spilling blood everywhere. I tried to ignore it, after all dogs are well behaved in this country. But no, not this one. He ran straight at me, beige in color, apparently a golden retriever ( as I found out later, but I couldn't care lesser). When he was within inches from me, as I saw no responsible owner, it felt like I was 7 again, I started to run. Maybe I have gotten slow over the years,this time the stupid dog did catch up and though he did not bite, he kept running around my legs and trying to reach up to my hand ( No, I did not have any food). I wanted to scream, but it seemed like I had lost my voice. I remembered the wisdom I had acquired as a young kid, I tried to 'shoo' him away. But my feeble 'shoos' were not enough to scare the big boy. Then suddenly I found my voice and I screamed, screamed so loud, but once again there was not a soul who could do anything. I started to cry again, I could not breathe properly, it was the most awful feeling in the world. The dog had not left me yet, it was still there rubbing its stupid nose and fur on my legs unperturbed by the screaming and racket I was causing. Then a friend came to my rescue and tried to calm me as he asked some random person to lead the dog away. I sobbed for 15 minutes afterwards. Not a thing has changed in 15 years,I complained to the manager her and she told me it was a friendly dog and that it came by on Saturdays. I don't care if its friendly, I don't care who it belongs to, just don't ever bring it in front of me again.

HEADACHES..

When you have headaches for 3 days in a row no matter how much you eat/rest/relax, should you press the panic button and run to a doctor? I wonder why people get headaches, why can't something else ache. When I have a headache, I can barely think and I throw up if I try to get food in my system. Its so bad that I cannot even fall asleep. Its like being punished for some terrible crime. There is no cure that hasn't been tried. Apparently aspirin works for some people, sadly it doesn't for me. To make things worse, I can only take the medicine with some food in my stomach and at that point my system fails me by instantaneosly throwing out anything that is injected. I wonder if anyone's heard of a monday headache. As strange as it sounds, it happens and you cannot imagine my delight when I found someone else with the same problem. Every Monday, as if the body clock is set, by 11 in the morning I have a splitting headache and the only thing I want to do is apply a bucketload of Amrutanjan or Tiger Balm ( for those of you who don't know what that is - it is a 'pain-relief' balm) on my eye lids and savour the burning sensation tht it brings. The reason why I apply it on my eye lids is that it does not have any effect if I apply it on the temples where it is supposed to be applied. Daddy dearest agrees with me that this is the best thing to do with a headache. Yannnnyway, I think today's headache is primarily due to the pressure that I have been feeling over meeting my professor for over a week now. In about two hours, I hope I will be done with that. Got to get back to working now.

So much for not being able to work with a headache! Bleh

I, Me and Myself

25 random,crazy facts about me:

1. I love food, I will say I am not hungry, but when I see food that looks yummy, my hands will be the first to reach out.

2. When I ask you to leave me alone, mostly you'd do well to do that. But yes, there is that 5% percent when I expect you to come back and ask me what happened.

3. I may put on a brave face, but I am more sensitive than your average girl.

4. I miss my girl friends. Sure boys are cool and less complicated sometimes, but I miss the girls like hell. :(

5. I love my space and I love having things for myself. My bed,my room,my laptop, my phone, my everything.

6. I am smart but I like to act silly sometimes to keep the child in me alive and well, to make some others smile.

7. I like to laugh - like really laugh, not smile stupidly. I like to laugh till I have tears in my eyes ( I don't remember the last time that happened)

8. I love playing pranks in the most serious of situations. I think it lightens up the mood a little bit.

9. There is rarely an in between for me. Either I am very happy or very unhappy. If its in between, I'm in an 'I don't care' mood!

10. I hate being told off, I hate people controlling my life. You force me to not do something and that is exactly what I will be doing when you are not watching.

11. To me what you don't know will not hurt you.

12.My best friends are still Shruthi, Aparajita, Shainika, Mithali, Anusha and Sofie (yaa, all girls) in the order of having gotten to know them. I don't necessarily talk to them everyday, but I know I can go back to them on any given day and tell them everything ( well, almost) without feeling weird.

13. I think men are sometimes the worst creatures that grace this planet.

14. Almost all TV shows are awesome. From Friends to Prison Break to MasterChef, everything is AWESOME.

15. I love to pretend that I am a character in the book I am reading or the show I am watching.

16. I pretend to be way cooler than I actually am.

17. I put my head down on a wooden desk and when I hear weird sounds, I like to pretend that there are tiny people inside working away to keep the desk together

18. I love playing outdoors and I love going to different places, but I will fuss about every mode of travel (bus,train,car) except maybe bike. I may have had just a scooty, but I loved it nevertheless.

19. I love to feel the wind in my hair when I walk on the roads.

20. I am afraid of all the animal. Dogs,cats, squirrels,Everything!

21. I do not like coffee or tea or milk.

22. Some things I do, just because I like to, even if its terrible to watch and hear ( dancing and singing are some examples)

23. I have gotten terribly drunk once and puked everywhere on the streets, with that died my desire to drink till I have no idea what I am doing.

24. I want to read the news on TV someday.

25. I want to watch Federer play and win at least once in the stadium,same with the Indian cricket team  ( I am a sore loser by the way)

Ok, enough for now. More on the way soon!

Because I love writing!

Many times you come across something that inspires you to do 'something' yet again. For me writing is what that 'something' is. I had stopped writing for a while because what I wrote once offended someone. I intended no harm of course, but it still did bother me that my actions could cause someone so much pain. But I am back again, wiser than before. After all paper does have more patience than man ( well, in this case, the computer). So much has changed since my last post, I am working again and I no longer have time for all the small pleasures in life. All the time I was idle while I was in college, I wish I had utilised my time better, for the things that I want to do now, I do not have the time and when I had the time back then, I did not do these things. Before I proceed, forgive my terrible language because as you can see, it has been a while. I haven't had much time to read either, so yes, catastrophic fail! But I will get better with time and then it should be ok.

Cannot this of anything else for now. It's good to be back. Hopefully will have more to write about next time :-)

The slave

She worked all day and all night,

To keep others happy, she worked so much

Sadly though, she knew not, what made her happy.

She was lonely, she wished for freedom,

Freedom from the chains of fate

Those bloody chains,
the ones that had already cut into her skin

leaving behind marks of agony,

Marks that would not be erased by anything.

Marks that she would regret getting for 

a long time afterwards!

Einsamkeit

Somedays you are so lonely that the tears wont stop flowing..

Somedays you are so overwhelmed by grief,

Those are the days you wish someone was with you,

To hold you while you cry

To just be quiet and be there

To tell you not to worry

To support you.

To let you finish crying

To understand the way you feel

To be patient

To care

To listen

To tell you that things will work out

To tell you that things will be alright

To tell you that better times are ahead.

You wish someone was there..

The one where I start packing...

It is that time of the year when I pack to leave the safe comforts ( yeah right! ) of home once again. After 2 weeks, I kicked laziness in the @#$% and dragged my trolley out of the loft. This was going to be the most interesting part of my packing just yet. Clothes!! But I was totally not ready for what was going to happen next. I have always complained that I did not have enough clothes. Boy, was i wrong there. Within minutes, my room was strewn around with dresses of all kinds, old and new. I got down to business and started to put them in my bag. After half an hour, my bag was full. There was still a lot on the floor. This is the moment where I start panicking. Damn these baggage restrictions. I was sure then that I would exceed the allowances and we all know what that means.(From ze parents.) The most popular dialogues (chosen after a lot of filtering) would be, 'Who asked you to shop when you already have so much?' and 'What?!? You just bought those a couple of months ago, I paid so much for it, you are spoilt, when I was young, I did not have these comforts, blah blah blah'. So boring and repetetive. I have heard this for 22 years of my life. :-S. So back to where I left, I unpacked again, sorted out what I had and decided that some of it was going to stay here at home only. And yes, I was prepared to face the lecture that would follow later.

After the clothes, I remembered the shoes. The thought brought back a few painful memories. Quite literally. The last time I wore those shoes, I had blood clots in my toenails. That's how bad they were. I had conveniently forgotten to mention to my parents that the shoes we bought last year were way too tight for me to wear again. And everytime they asked me about it, I told them they were there inside, I was preserving them for later. Later had arrived. The shoes were covered in dust. Sigh. I washed them and asked brilliant friends for ideas on what to do... I figured I had to get new ones unless I was ok with spending the other half of my life with crushed toes or something like that. So there I was, with no place to fit what I already had, and yet thinking of shopping again. Should I call it the girls bug?!?

Thee rat race that this life is- A man's thoughts

What is this life full of care, with no time to stand and stare..Such a simple line, yet so powerful in meaning. I sit down and ask myself...how long will this battle last, how long will I strive to attain what I am looking for. But then again, what is it that I am looking for? Is it money, not quite. Perhaps it is fame. Not so much. Recognition then? No.. I just want to live my life.
It is not as easy as it sounds. This life that I live, its a constant race. A race against time, a battle among peers. There is so much to see, yet I lose it all as I focus on my goal. The goal that is supposed to give me happiness.. Is it worth all this, I ask myself.
Those famous words, "Do not rest on your laurels".Ah, I diligently followed and in doing so, I forgot to savour those sweet moments of success. I may attain my unknown goal someday. But I am afraid that when the day comes, I will have forgotten how to feel happy.
The emotions lost, the soul in me dead. I realise I do not want to get anywhere. I want no goal."Just let me live my life", I want to scream! In the present, for the moment. Let me breathe and live everyday like it was my last day on this planet. Today is the day, now is the time and this is the place to relish it all

Ze T Nagar Experience

So yes, it was a hot hot Saturday like it always is in Chennai. I decided to spend the morning out on the streets of T Nagar doing some useful shopping. I boarded a bus and reached my destination at 9.30 am. The sun was just starting to get up in the sky and it was very humid. I looked around at the place in awe. I had always gone there with dad on his bike. This was my first time alone and I had to figure out the way amidst a hundred shops that looked the same to me. I walked on looking more confident than i felt. The aroma of flowers wafted in the air ( there were a lot of shops that sold garlands on my left ). I am not sure if i liked it, I was trying to focus on not losing my way. I passed GLOBUS and I felt slightly assured that I was heading in the right direction. And as expected,I reached the place I was searching for soon. I will not name the shop here, because I don't have too many nice things to say about it.

As a matter of fact, I have quite a few nasty things to say about their service! Firstly, these huge shops are supposed to have good sales people. I have only come across two kinds so far. One that constantly follow us around ( as if we were going to steal something ) and another that shouts at you for trying on too many clothes. I had a horrible experience in this shop ( probably my worst till date ). The sales women were constantly hovering around and being deliberately unhelpful. I had half a mind to yell at them, but then decided it wasn't worth the scene that it would create. For crying out loud, that is their only job. They may hate their jobs, and they may have a bad morning, but it is their job, they get paid for that. I am not saying wear a stupid smile and call everyone sir/madam. All I am asking is for them to be polite. And apparently that is asking for too much. After an hour, I gave up and walked out, wallet full and bag empty. I had not bought anything.

I was annoyed and frustrated. I needed to let that out of my system. I shifted my attention to the roadside shops. I have been encouraged to never buy anything at those places, but I was in 'what the hell' mood. I went in and to my surprise, the shopkeeper was incredibly helpful. He showed me a pile of 300 t shirts and said, 'Look through it madam, take anything that you like. It doesnt matter if its a mess when your done, take your time.' And the best part, he did not stand behind me and watch while I searched. He went about doing his work. He may have been secretly watching out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't make it obvious and hence, I was a lot more comfortable looking through the pile. After about 15 minutes, I was walking out of the shop satisfied with my buy!

You can argue with me saying that he needed to do this to get the sales up in his shop, but you know, I don't care. These big shops need to send their sales representatives to him and get them trained. They have a long way to go in terms of customer service. All said and done, my T Nagar experience wasn't nearly as disastrous as it first seemed, but I don't think I want to go back there to shop for a while. Time to explore other places....