She slowly climbed onto the rickety wooden chair that had served no purpose in the last twenty years. She stood to face the rope that she had so laboriously passed through the fan that stood in her drawing room. The noose was perfect; she smiled to herself as she realized how expertly she had made that for herself. In all of her sixty years on this planet, she never once believed that she would have the courage to do something like this. But now, the time was right. It was time to go. She had no desire to live anymore. She looked around at the table; saw the framed picture of her family taken ten years ago. How happy they looked in that, her husband, son and daughter. She hoped they would understand, she hoped this would not cause them too much pain. Wiping the tears that streamed down her cheek, she put her head into the 'perfect' noose and tightened it till she felt it was enough. Then as quickly as her old wrecked legs would permit, she kicked the wooden stool away. Almost immediately, she felt the rope cut into her neck and in that one instant, facing death, she could see her entire life flash before her eyes.
Sarah had been born into a very wealthy family at a time when the modern era had just begun. She had just one elder sister who she was extremely fond of. Being the younger one allowed her to be the princess for quite some time. But her father passed away much too early, when Sarah was barely nine years old. With that, the wheels of fortune changed. Her family incurred huge losses and they all had to abandon their comforts. They were by no means poverty stricken, but money was now all what they called from ‘blood and sweat’. Sarah adapted herself to the new lifestyle, but she also started to feel dejected and cast down. Losing the various luxuries of life did not hurt as much as losing her father. She had always been his favorite. She couldn’t sleep in the nights as she lay awake thinking about him. Her mother was struggling to make ends meet and Sarah did not want to be an extra burden. So she never complained. She went to the same school as her sister and they graduated one after the other. Sarah was smart, but she lacked the technical brilliance her sister possessed. And for this reason, while her sister was sent to college, she was married to Lincoln.
Her life changed for a second time. From being the carefree, innocent girl, she had to transform into the dutiful wife of that period. She had seen her aunts and her own mother (though for a short period only) play the perfect wife. She knew without being told that she would be expected to do exactly the same because Lincoln was just as old fashioned as she wasn’t. He was a warm person, he showered her with all the love and affection in the world, but he never understood her. She was happy, and yet she was sad. She gave birth to Sam within two years of her marriage. She was just twenty one years old. It was like a beautiful bird stuck in its cage despite the doors being open. She had grown more beautiful now, but she did not care much about her looks. In between changing diapers and being the good wife for her husband, she found that she did not have any time for herself. She loved them both dearly, but she resented the life she was leading.
By now her sister had finished college and was now working in the state government. She visited Sarah as often as her work would allow her. She loved her nephew and pampered him with gifts and toys that could never be found around where Lincoln lived. Sarah wanted to talk to someone, tell them how she felt. When she could bear it no longer, she sought out her mother and confided in her. But soon she wished that she had not. Her mother was offended because she thought Sarah was accusing her of having treated her two daughters differently. Sarah was shocked beyond words. She had never thought of it that way. But she realized her mother had spoken the harsh truth from guilt. After all she was the younger one and there was no need to have gotten her married then. She had been naïve and that had suited her family. It hurt her, but she absorbed the pain. Life could have been worse, she told herself. But it wasn’t and she still had a loving and respectable family of her own.
She returned and never spoke about that again, but she always felt a twinge of jealousy every time her sister brought Sam new gifts now. Though her sister did not know about the little outburst from their mother, she sensed that something was not quite right and she started being distant too. This made Sarah guilty. After all, it was not her sister’s fault if she had been the smarter one. But she didn’t have the courage to broach the subject again. The years passed by, Sam was five years old when she had her second child Lucy. She was a darling, just as Sarah had been when she was a baby. Lincoln loved his two children more than anything in the world, and in order to give them the best, they moved to the city.
Sarah though still had not gotten over her desire to live life differently. She wanted to do something she enjoyed. She wanted to work, but just the thought of mentioning it to Lincoln terrified her. She did not know why, but she was sure he would not approve of it. He already chided her for not keeping in touch with her mother and sister as before. (She had never told him why they had drifted apart) He was always telling her how family was very important and that nobody else in the world would stand up for her except those of her own blood. She was silently suffering by now. The guilt and agony at having been a failure had built up over the years. With no one to go to, she began immersing herself in all the household work. But she was also the best mother any child could hope for. She taught them at home after school, cooked the best dishes, and took them out shopping. Lincoln and Sarah did all that they could for their children.
Through all these years of depression, Sarah knew the one thing that she would never allow. She insisted that Sam and Lucy get everything equally. She never wanted her children to go the way she did. She encouraged them to talk their minds, something that the children loved about their mother. When Lincoln got busy with his work, she arranged little picnics on the weekends that he was available so that they never missed having their father around. She was single handedly running the entire family except for the finance part which Lincoln provided.
Lucy and Sam grew up to be fine human beings. They went to college and majored in the fields that interested them, fell in love and got married. Sarah was now sixty years old, and miserable as ever. Her sister had died a couple of years ago. She felt guiltier than ever before because she had never explained her behavior to her sister or apologized for it. In despair she began writing a journal. She wrote of the things she dreamt, but that only made her more upset. Soon she was writing more about how she had failed in life. Lincoln finally started to notice that Sarah was going down. He tried to talk to her, but she always smiled and said she was ok. He figured that maybe she just missed having the kids around. For many days, she would just sit and stare into nothingness in a dark room. She was sixty years old now and Lincoln sixty six.
Sarah knew that she would never find peace in this life of hers. She came to the conclusion that nothing but death would bring relief. All that she had failed to achieve had consumed her mind. So one Sunday, when Lincoln went out for his usual walk in the morning, she decided that it had to end now. She could take no more of the misery, no more of the pain. She wanted it all to end. She made one last entry in her journal knowing that her husband would find it. She wrote how she loved him and the kids and she thanked them for making her life better sometimes. She wrote how she would have never made it this far if it were not for them. She told them not to be sad over her going, because she was going to get rid of the terrible disease that had been clawing her insides for a long time now. Forty years was too long to keep fighting a battle with the mind.
A few days later, after the funeral, Lucy, Sam and Lincoln sat in the drawing room reading Sarah’s diary. Lincoln was heartbroken. Lucy had been hysterical when she heard the news first. But now, she was sitting on the couch and crying quietly. Sam was trying to console her. Why had Sarah never talked? None of them would ever forgive themselves for not seeing how much Sarah had tormented herself over the years. Sarah, who had always been there for them when they needed her. The clock struck ten. They all knelt down in a silent prayer for Sarah.
May she find peace where she has gone!
Sarah had been born into a very wealthy family at a time when the modern era had just begun. She had just one elder sister who she was extremely fond of. Being the younger one allowed her to be the princess for quite some time. But her father passed away much too early, when Sarah was barely nine years old. With that, the wheels of fortune changed. Her family incurred huge losses and they all had to abandon their comforts. They were by no means poverty stricken, but money was now all what they called from ‘blood and sweat’. Sarah adapted herself to the new lifestyle, but she also started to feel dejected and cast down. Losing the various luxuries of life did not hurt as much as losing her father. She had always been his favorite. She couldn’t sleep in the nights as she lay awake thinking about him. Her mother was struggling to make ends meet and Sarah did not want to be an extra burden. So she never complained. She went to the same school as her sister and they graduated one after the other. Sarah was smart, but she lacked the technical brilliance her sister possessed. And for this reason, while her sister was sent to college, she was married to Lincoln.
Her life changed for a second time. From being the carefree, innocent girl, she had to transform into the dutiful wife of that period. She had seen her aunts and her own mother (though for a short period only) play the perfect wife. She knew without being told that she would be expected to do exactly the same because Lincoln was just as old fashioned as she wasn’t. He was a warm person, he showered her with all the love and affection in the world, but he never understood her. She was happy, and yet she was sad. She gave birth to Sam within two years of her marriage. She was just twenty one years old. It was like a beautiful bird stuck in its cage despite the doors being open. She had grown more beautiful now, but she did not care much about her looks. In between changing diapers and being the good wife for her husband, she found that she did not have any time for herself. She loved them both dearly, but she resented the life she was leading.
By now her sister had finished college and was now working in the state government. She visited Sarah as often as her work would allow her. She loved her nephew and pampered him with gifts and toys that could never be found around where Lincoln lived. Sarah wanted to talk to someone, tell them how she felt. When she could bear it no longer, she sought out her mother and confided in her. But soon she wished that she had not. Her mother was offended because she thought Sarah was accusing her of having treated her two daughters differently. Sarah was shocked beyond words. She had never thought of it that way. But she realized her mother had spoken the harsh truth from guilt. After all she was the younger one and there was no need to have gotten her married then. She had been naïve and that had suited her family. It hurt her, but she absorbed the pain. Life could have been worse, she told herself. But it wasn’t and she still had a loving and respectable family of her own.
She returned and never spoke about that again, but she always felt a twinge of jealousy every time her sister brought Sam new gifts now. Though her sister did not know about the little outburst from their mother, she sensed that something was not quite right and she started being distant too. This made Sarah guilty. After all, it was not her sister’s fault if she had been the smarter one. But she didn’t have the courage to broach the subject again. The years passed by, Sam was five years old when she had her second child Lucy. She was a darling, just as Sarah had been when she was a baby. Lincoln loved his two children more than anything in the world, and in order to give them the best, they moved to the city.
Sarah though still had not gotten over her desire to live life differently. She wanted to do something she enjoyed. She wanted to work, but just the thought of mentioning it to Lincoln terrified her. She did not know why, but she was sure he would not approve of it. He already chided her for not keeping in touch with her mother and sister as before. (She had never told him why they had drifted apart) He was always telling her how family was very important and that nobody else in the world would stand up for her except those of her own blood. She was silently suffering by now. The guilt and agony at having been a failure had built up over the years. With no one to go to, she began immersing herself in all the household work. But she was also the best mother any child could hope for. She taught them at home after school, cooked the best dishes, and took them out shopping. Lincoln and Sarah did all that they could for their children.
Through all these years of depression, Sarah knew the one thing that she would never allow. She insisted that Sam and Lucy get everything equally. She never wanted her children to go the way she did. She encouraged them to talk their minds, something that the children loved about their mother. When Lincoln got busy with his work, she arranged little picnics on the weekends that he was available so that they never missed having their father around. She was single handedly running the entire family except for the finance part which Lincoln provided.
Lucy and Sam grew up to be fine human beings. They went to college and majored in the fields that interested them, fell in love and got married. Sarah was now sixty years old, and miserable as ever. Her sister had died a couple of years ago. She felt guiltier than ever before because she had never explained her behavior to her sister or apologized for it. In despair she began writing a journal. She wrote of the things she dreamt, but that only made her more upset. Soon she was writing more about how she had failed in life. Lincoln finally started to notice that Sarah was going down. He tried to talk to her, but she always smiled and said she was ok. He figured that maybe she just missed having the kids around. For many days, she would just sit and stare into nothingness in a dark room. She was sixty years old now and Lincoln sixty six.
Sarah knew that she would never find peace in this life of hers. She came to the conclusion that nothing but death would bring relief. All that she had failed to achieve had consumed her mind. So one Sunday, when Lincoln went out for his usual walk in the morning, she decided that it had to end now. She could take no more of the misery, no more of the pain. She wanted it all to end. She made one last entry in her journal knowing that her husband would find it. She wrote how she loved him and the kids and she thanked them for making her life better sometimes. She wrote how she would have never made it this far if it were not for them. She told them not to be sad over her going, because she was going to get rid of the terrible disease that had been clawing her insides for a long time now. Forty years was too long to keep fighting a battle with the mind.
A few days later, after the funeral, Lucy, Sam and Lincoln sat in the drawing room reading Sarah’s diary. Lincoln was heartbroken. Lucy had been hysterical when she heard the news first. But now, she was sitting on the couch and crying quietly. Sam was trying to console her. Why had Sarah never talked? None of them would ever forgive themselves for not seeing how much Sarah had tormented herself over the years. Sarah, who had always been there for them when they needed her. The clock struck ten. They all knelt down in a silent prayer for Sarah.
May she find peace where she has gone!
